For the past six years we've had a fairly flexible visitation plan that I really couldn't complain about. I work in the US but travel to Germany for my days off (usually 8-12 per month). The kids generally stayed with me the entire time I'm there and with my ever-changing airline schedule, this can also involve some last-minute planning. I write this because I actually commend my ex for remaining flexible and allowing me so much time with them.
To dig a bit deeper though.... part of the reason she remains so flexible is because that was part of our divorce agreement. While she was focused on money, I was focused on the kids. Our agreement was that I would pay the taxes and fees on the money she was awarded in the divorce, in return she would give me the flexibility i needed for visitation based on my job. For the past 6 years this seems to have worked out just fine. I was under the impression she liked me keeping the kids as long as possible since it doesn't reduce her child support but obviously reduces her expenses and gives her more free time with her new husband.
All of that changed two days ago. I sent her an updated schedule for January to let her know when I would return, and then left to fly back to the US. Her response was that the meetings with the teachers and talks with the Jugendamt showed the kids need regularly recurring consistency. It's no problem that the kids can stay with me on planned weekends during school weeks and can even come over in the afternoons after homework, and then gave me the times that they are "allowed" to come over.
I'll break this down a bit. There have been some disciplinary problems with my son, so I have to assume this is what she is focused on. I'm not really sure since she won't discuss it with me unless I go to her house and discuss this in person. That is something I won't do since I was attacked by her husband last time I tried this. We have a "session" with the Jugendamt coming up in the near future to help us work through our communication problems. In my opinion, there is no problem, there are plenty of other options besides me going into her house, she is just limiting it to this option or nothing.
There is also an ongoing dispute where she is trying to get more child support from me. So, basically, she isn't getting what she wants for me going to her house, and she isn't getting what she wants for money. There is no way she is reducing my contact with the kids as punishment.....???? You can decide for yourself
Regarding my son's disciplinary issue, I wrote an email to my ex (which she has not acknowledged) where I recommended counseling for him as well as offered that the Jugendamt does a visit of both of our houses to see if there are any obvious issues that could lead to this type of behavior. My son now has some scheduled counseling sessions in the near future. Other than that, no other progress is being made.
I wasn't present at the meetings she had with the teacher or with the Jugendamt but I will make one assumption. She presented me as being the bad guy and being responsible for the poor behavior of my son. Otherwise, I don't believe they would support consistency as being the first course of action. I'm not even sure if they made that recommendation to her or if she is just using their names to increase her level of authority and make it seem more official.
Either way.... here are some issues. If they made that stance, it's based on a one-sided conversation with my ex. If they heard my opinion and viewpoint, would they still think the same thing? probably not. Next, we have a session with the Jugendamt during my next visit, why wouldn't a decision to cut my time with the kids be made after a meeting with the people that are supposedly supporting her decision? What about my son's appointment.... wouldn't that be the one they actually start identifying a potential underlying cause? Yes!
BTW, what is inconsistent between the two houses that she is trying to rectify? I have no idea because she's never addressed any concerns with me other than the fact that I let them stay up 30 minutes longer than she does. (this is still well within the Germany recommendations) That 30 minutes is not them up playing video games or being wild, its them lying in bed and reading or being read to. What other inconsistency could justify me not seeing them during the week? Every divorced couple will always have some inconsistencies, that is the nature of a divorce and split families. Is this really a valid justification for cutting time with their father?
Without getting into too many details right now, I'll just openly say that I think the issue with my son is stemming from problems in her house. Remember I won't go there because I was attacked? I've also heard a few stories from my kids and even the neighbors that lead me to have certain concerns about violence in that house. Yes, I've attempted to address this with the Jugendamt but so far that's being ignored. Did I mention my ex works with the Jugendamt? I'm sure there is no conflict of interest there. Did I mention her new husband is a police officer? definitely not an issue for me getting support on that side of things either....
The older step kids are amazing kids.... the ones that were raised when I was around. She naturally takes credit for that but if that's the case, why so many issues doing the same thing with our son? easy answer, because she wasn't responsible for the discipline in our house, she put that on me. Why can't I do the same with my son? because my time with them is limited in comparison to the time she has with them. Also, because I don't think they have the same level of respect for me that the step kids did. My kids hear my ex yell at me on the phone and make all sorts of accusations.... my kids obviously don't hear the rebuttal. They also know their mother has the power to choose when and where the kids see me, when they can call me, and every other aspect of our relationship. The kids would therefore view me as being on a lower level to her and if they can disrespect her, then they have no reason to respect me.
Bottom line is my contact is being reduced significantly and I don't feel its even remotely justified. I think its her trying to punish me. The big question is why does she even have that power? Why can a woman chose the visitation rights and times of the father? seems like a pretty big conflict of interest right there. Although Germany does set minimum standards, nothing beyond that will be enforced. So.... i can be the best dad in the world but if the ex doesn't get what she wants, she can reduce my contact without and real justification and she's not held accountable for anything the children lose from that decision.
No worries..... I'm sure as soon as they have "consistency" again, all the problems will be resolved, right?
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